ménage à trois?....more like an orgy

J at Tales from the Hood has a nice rant about shaking up current aid system, of which he describes as a ménage à trois between the donors, aid implementers and beneficiaries.

Now I don't know which aid system you're working in old man, but these days, we have let our hair down, got the lube out and are engaged in a full on orgy.

Here is how it goes down:

- Donor gives money to management consultancy firm who then gives that money to aid providers (AP)

- Only if donor is feeling like being dirty and going bareback will they directly give to APs.

- AP then has to find a local AP (L-AP) to actually implement the project because the AP staff don't actually speak the local language or know anything about the local culture. Sometimes AP has to use L-AP because the local government wants to see some of that sexy overhead money go to its own local companies...err, I mean L-AP.

- Some of that money goes to that mysterious consultant that just turns up from nowhere and has such an important sounding job title that you are simply forced to give him the cash in exchange for a ridiculously convoluted report.......who invited that guy anyways?

- L-AP doesn't actually have any technical skill or equipment so they hire contractors who are owned either by a local politician, some foreign guys (Eriterians, Lebanese, South Africans etc) or by a staff member of the AP.

- Consultant appears again and demands further payment for his services. Obviously he gets paid......Seriously guys, who invited that guy?

- L-AP director decides to pack his bags and just leave the country.....along with the money of course. Donor MUST NOT HER ABOUT THIS. AP steps in, finds another L-AP to complete the project using the same contractors. Consultant gets paid again.

- Beneficiary gets something.....wait, what was the project again? Oh, you mean you didn't more water supplies? Flooding you say? Well, you will have to simply wait until the next cycle little buddy.

- UN comes in and takes credit for EVERYTHING.

.......














- Consultant gets paid again

Street Kids and Expat Aid workers

Why do street kids in developing countries without any tourists target expats for money?
Don't they realise that expats, especially the aid working type, are the most close-fisted, stingy and cheapest* types of people there are in the World?


*Yes, I did just copy and paste from a thesaurus

NGO Jargon

The Economist has a nice little article on how the language of aid has already crept its way into the vocabulary of South Sudan.

All the favourite words of NGO-speak are now aired in the makeshift corridors and canteens of Juba, the fledgling capital. Top of the list are “empowerment”, “capacity-building” and “stakeholder” (not someone actually carrying a stake). “Governance”, “civil society”, “facilitators” and “disadvantaged” follow fast behind. British NGOs have a fondness for “focal groups”. Americans like anything that leads to “inclusion”, especially of the “excluded”.

Its funny because its true. When interacting with the local population you can't help but notice the proficiency that the most seemingly uneducated individual has in the processes of aid and development.

Its sad because its true. The problem (if it is in fact a problem) is that they view the aid industry as a profit making machine, and so to familiarise oneself with how the system works translates into knowing how to benefit the most from it. Whether its through gaining employment or straight up just receiving free shit, one needs to know the language to be able to understand when opportunities arise and how to benefit.

Now I don't have the numbers to be able to determine how much the aid industry actually indirectly sustains the population here (i.e. not through the actual provision of aid), but it feels like it would be quite significant. Cue Roving Bandit to tell us all about how it would be far more efficient and simple to just hand out cash.

Still, nothing like seeing the joy in an old ladies face as she tells you about how she has been the beneficiary of all sorts of interventions and now has mad capacity......

DAMN Kristof! you just got F'ed in the A by T in [the] A

"T in [the] A" being Texas in Africa, and "F'ed in the A" being....well....I'm sure you'll get it. (no offence T-in-A)

Once again Kristof's name has been echoing throughout the Blogosphere due to his controversial mouth. This time he has been making the bold claim that DIY Aid projects are better/more effective than those implemented by large aid agencies.........Bring on the academic gang rape:

Tales from the Hood argues that aid isn't about us. - I still get paid though, right?

Dave Algoso argues that aid is actually some pretty hard and complicated work. He also points to the fact that Kristof fails to describe any local DIY aid projects and seems to really emphasise the notion of 'whites in shining armour'.
Also, on Kristof's point about "grassroots, locally owned aid projects have a better record than large scale, top-down ones that don’t always have the same buy-in"; I can't speak for everywhere, but here in South Sudan, a majority of projects are developed and implemented by local NGOs and civil society groups.......us foreign aid workers just throw money at people and take credit for the work.

Kristof then wrote a second piece in an attempt to counter the criticisms.

By this point Texas in Africa could take no more and wrote a beautiful piece on how Kristof's argument is really just based on anecdotal evidence rather than any real data. Why beautiful? Because I think it reflects the a major problem with DIY aid.

If we were to pretend that Kristof is the amateur implementing the DIY aid project, he would have gone to the field and implemented whatever genius idea he thought he had based on his anecdotal information that he received from some celebrity rather than real data that reflects the actual needs of the target community. They are called amateurs for a reason. For sure they can be effective, but at the same time, running a project based on anecdotal information can also mean that you are effective at causing more harm than good. Can we be sure that amateurs will be familiar with the necessary procedures such as 'Do No Harm'? If not, then where does the accountability land? If an aid agency messes up they will feel the wrath of the development gods, amateurs get to run back home and still feel good about themselves.

Anyways, if these people have such an urge to help the world and/or have a brilliant idea on how to save the world, why can't they work with the aid agencies? We don't accept mavericks in every other field, so why should they be allowed to run around the world under the banner of aid? Is it because they mean well so we give them a free pass? Well the machine gun preacher meant well, and so did the American Ninja in Afghanistan, but I think you will find very few people who would support them......wait......what?! There's going to be a Machine gun preacher movie?! and he is being portrayed as the hero?! Well, I guess I should start collecting all those old shirts I have then.

Poverty Porn Gone Terribly Wrong

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS FILTHY EXPLICIT CONTENT. FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAVE ANY MORAL STANDARDS, CLICK AWAY NOW......YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Oh, and I sincerely apologise for this.

It was a hot and dusty day, a day just like every other in this poverty stricken land of atrocities and sorrow where tomorrow is merely an aspiration and yesterday was an accomplishment - a survival. Amongst the crowd of potbellied children and their bare breasted mothers stood Virginal, a fresh faced aid worker with a strong desire to rescue the people from their otherwise fatal lives. She stood proud in a khaki coordinated outfit, holding a starving child with trickling beads of sweat rolling playfully down the curve of his torso, like morning dew on a noble Inyo toad. Blonde hair, unshaven legs and luscious breasts that could provide for the entire village, the locals look upon her majestic beauty in awe. To them, she resembles a lioness, and only her presence can bring happiness to what is an otherwise desperately depressing lifestyle. This is because the world has forgotten about these people and only Virginal is left working to help this deprived community.

Nonetheless the villagers stay positive by gathering around Virginal clapping and singing their tribal tunes with such natural rhythm, when suddenly, in the distance a UN helicopter is seen tearing through the red glistening radiance of the sun. Slowly it lands, and as the dust settles, the helicopter doors slide open to reveal a rock star with a rock- hard hard- on. It is non other than Bono, frontman of U2 and global poverty expert, "Achtung baby!", he says as he grabs his sack of plumpy nutsTM.

In a moment of desperation, Virginal had called her good friend John Prendergrast - master of awareness and pimp daddy of suffering lives. She knew that only John could help grab global attention to her community.
Aroused by the sight of suffering, Bono grabs Virginal and ravishingly makes sweet love to her as the tribal community watch with their deep, clouded and experienced eyes, intermittently blinded by the flies that linger by them as though the tears that flow from those saddened eyes are filled with nectar.

As the intensity of their sexual experience begins to reach climax, the ground begins to rumble. A seismic behaviour akin to a stampede of wildebeests. However, this was not a herd of animals of prey, but rather a herd of predators, an entire convoy of celebrities in big white Land Cruisers being led by poverty fanatic, George Clooney. Each with their own limited edition African child snuggled tightly in their man/handbags.

"Oh look at all the suffering ooh" Clooney excitedly cries out as he begins to Swaffle his local guide.
"Mmm yes!……The suffering." reply the other celebrities as they caress themselves and each other.
"The suffering makes Matt Damon strong……the suffering makes Matt Damon hard!" Matt Damon proclaims in a hulkish voice as he begins to thrust Madonna in all manners.
Soon, with little resistance, the crowd of celebrities-turned-humanitarians begin to indulge in a sweaty, poverty induced orgy under the naked sun.


As the orgy continues, a small group of UN workers are seen standing on a nearby hill, looking down on the orgy with a smug self-satisfied look on their face. "Clearly the successes of this project would never have happened without our facilitation" proclaims one of the UN workers in a weasel-like tone of voice as he commences a "circle-jerk" with his co-workers.

As time goes on the orgy begins to die down as the celebrities begin to loose interest in their wild activities. Just as things begin to calm down, a marauding group of rebel fighter enter the village, burning down houses, murdering and raping the villagers as well as looting anything that is of any worth. Looking upon this tragedy a tear rolls down the cheeks of George Clooney as he shouts in a loud demonic tone - yet somewhat relishingly, "The suffering!!!". His fellow celebrities look to him and begin to groan and moan in all manner of ways as the orgy continues with greater intensity and passion.

Curious of this behaviour an expert economist arrives at the scene with a harem of young nubile interns to determine the cause and incentives behind such sexual behaviour. The sexconomist conducted some very rigorous RCT tests, where he gathered a group of wannabe celebrities (dependent variable) and exposed half of them to a group of suffering children (independent variable). The point of measure was their celebrity status based on the Cosmopolitan Magazine celebrity status indicators. The results showed a positive effect on celebrity status through exposition to suffering. The sexconomist concluded that these celebrities seem to feed off the suffering in a bid to increase their own status. The sexconomist then went on to try and see if suffering had the same effect on the celebrity status of b list economists.

(Camera cuts back to the celebrity orgy):
Bono demands his personal local aide to get into a crabwalking position so that Bono is able to place his sexual partner on top of his aide, using him as a coitus table. Naturally, the aide is made to walk around the village as Bono continues his act of "scuttlefucking". He then burrowed into her like a warthog as the tall African grass titillated the taint.

The End

References:
What is Poverty Porn... - Aid Thoughts

How to write about Africa - Granta

A big stack of REALLY DIRTY Porn movies - Roving Bandit


I think I'm probably going to regret this.....