Clooney's Satelite

P: No, Im Batman. You be Robin
C: What?! No way, Im Batman, I have more experience.
P: Exactly, you were Batman before, and you were shit at it. So this time I am Batman and you're Robin



In case you haven't seen, here is Batman (Clooney) and Robin's (Prendergrast) latest flash of genius...
Using public access satelites (from Google) to monitor military activity. If your interested, you can sign up and follow their twitter page* to be updated on genocide as it unfurls. Now you can be the cool kid at the table who is up to date with how many women and children were killed and raped as it happens!

Although while this is rather amusing on so many levels. I would just like to geek it for a second and talk about how exciting it is to see increasing usage of public satelites for a variety of reasons. In the case of South Sudan, this is not even the first time......this was. It was when Jane's Defense Weekly used commercial satellites to track down the cargo of tank from the hijacked MV Faina in 2008.



*there is no twitter page to follow, I made it up. If there is actually one.....2011 i going to be a very sad year

Poverty Porn Gone Terribly Wrong

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS FILTHY EXPLICIT CONTENT. FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAVE ANY MORAL STANDARDS, CLICK AWAY NOW......YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Oh, and I sincerely apologise for this.

It was a hot and dusty day, a day just like every other in this poverty stricken land of atrocities and sorrow where tomorrow is merely an aspiration and yesterday was an accomplishment - a survival. Amongst the crowd of potbellied children and their bare breasted mothers stood Virginal, a fresh faced aid worker with a strong desire to rescue the people from their otherwise fatal lives. She stood proud in a khaki coordinated outfit, holding a starving child with trickling beads of sweat rolling playfully down the curve of his torso, like morning dew on a noble Inyo toad. Blonde hair, unshaven legs and luscious breasts that could provide for the entire village, the locals look upon her majestic beauty in awe. To them, she resembles a lioness, and only her presence can bring happiness to what is an otherwise desperately depressing lifestyle. This is because the world has forgotten about these people and only Virginal is left working to help this deprived community.

Nonetheless the villagers stay positive by gathering around Virginal clapping and singing their tribal tunes with such natural rhythm, when suddenly, in the distance a UN helicopter is seen tearing through the red glistening radiance of the sun. Slowly it lands, and as the dust settles, the helicopter doors slide open to reveal a rock star with a rock- hard hard- on. It is non other than Bono, frontman of U2 and global poverty expert, "Achtung baby!", he says as he grabs his sack of plumpy nutsTM.

In a moment of desperation, Virginal had called her good friend John Prendergrast - master of awareness and pimp daddy of suffering lives. She knew that only John could help grab global attention to her community.
Aroused by the sight of suffering, Bono grabs Virginal and ravishingly makes sweet love to her as the tribal community watch with their deep, clouded and experienced eyes, intermittently blinded by the flies that linger by them as though the tears that flow from those saddened eyes are filled with nectar.

As the intensity of their sexual experience begins to reach climax, the ground begins to rumble. A seismic behaviour akin to a stampede of wildebeests. However, this was not a herd of animals of prey, but rather a herd of predators, an entire convoy of celebrities in big white Land Cruisers being led by poverty fanatic, George Clooney. Each with their own limited edition African child snuggled tightly in their man/handbags.

"Oh look at all the suffering ooh" Clooney excitedly cries out as he begins to Swaffle his local guide.
"Mmm yes!……The suffering." reply the other celebrities as they caress themselves and each other.
"The suffering makes Matt Damon strong……the suffering makes Matt Damon hard!" Matt Damon proclaims in a hulkish voice as he begins to thrust Madonna in all manners.
Soon, with little resistance, the crowd of celebrities-turned-humanitarians begin to indulge in a sweaty, poverty induced orgy under the naked sun.


As the orgy continues, a small group of UN workers are seen standing on a nearby hill, looking down on the orgy with a smug self-satisfied look on their face. "Clearly the successes of this project would never have happened without our facilitation" proclaims one of the UN workers in a weasel-like tone of voice as he commences a "circle-jerk" with his co-workers.

As time goes on the orgy begins to die down as the celebrities begin to loose interest in their wild activities. Just as things begin to calm down, a marauding group of rebel fighter enter the village, burning down houses, murdering and raping the villagers as well as looting anything that is of any worth. Looking upon this tragedy a tear rolls down the cheeks of George Clooney as he shouts in a loud demonic tone - yet somewhat relishingly, "The suffering!!!". His fellow celebrities look to him and begin to groan and moan in all manner of ways as the orgy continues with greater intensity and passion.

Curious of this behaviour an expert economist arrives at the scene with a harem of young nubile interns to determine the cause and incentives behind such sexual behaviour. The sexconomist conducted some very rigorous RCT tests, where he gathered a group of wannabe celebrities (dependent variable) and exposed half of them to a group of suffering children (independent variable). The point of measure was their celebrity status based on the Cosmopolitan Magazine celebrity status indicators. The results showed a positive effect on celebrity status through exposition to suffering. The sexconomist concluded that these celebrities seem to feed off the suffering in a bid to increase their own status. The sexconomist then went on to try and see if suffering had the same effect on the celebrity status of b list economists.

(Camera cuts back to the celebrity orgy):
Bono demands his personal local aide to get into a crabwalking position so that Bono is able to place his sexual partner on top of his aide, using him as a coitus table. Naturally, the aide is made to walk around the village as Bono continues his act of "scuttlefucking". He then burrowed into her like a warthog as the tall African grass titillated the taint.

The End

References:
What is Poverty Porn... - Aid Thoughts

How to write about Africa - Granta

A big stack of REALLY DIRTY Porn movies - Roving Bandit


I think I'm probably going to regret this.....

Clooney in Sudan....and more

(I couldn't find a single amusing picture of him, so here is Batman)

“I think [a civil war] can be stopped,” he told Curry. “We stopped it in 2005, we stopped the north-south war … and we stopped it with diplomacy. We didn’t stop it with soldiers. If we get involved now we have a shot.”

That was George Clooney shooting the breeze with Anne Curry......
Well......
I....uhhh.......
He thinks he's so.......hmmmm
That is totally...........huh

As much fun and pleasure as I would get from ragging on the Cloon, I can't seem to disagree with him (aside from the excessive use of 'We'). Plus, according to the article he got spat on by an old woman and was told it was a blessing......pffft, grandma is totally laughing right now.

Oh and to all you alarmists who thinks that no one outside of your little Western liberal bubble*** are able to resolve their conflicts through peaceful negotiation:

"The Sudanese First Vice President Salva Kiir and 2nd Vice president Ali Osman Taha met in Juba today to discuss a number of issues including the reported military build-up on the North-South border, state media reported today.
Sudan official news agency (SUNA) cited Kiir as saying that both sides agreed to calm the situation and stop the media* escalation between the National Congress Party (NCP) and Sudan people Liberation Movement (SPLM)." (Link)

Ooooooh! whats wrong? Did that just make you flaccid?..... Go jerk off over another war you wankers**!


*I'm pretty sure that's supposed to say military and not media. Otherwise, Kiir is one snarkily genius cowboy.

**note the proper/literal use of this noun.

*** OK, maybe western liberal bubble is a little bit over dramatic, but you know what I mean